Confessions.

I play the Sims 3. I'd never played the Sims games before. I first bought the game about a year and a half ago. I was disillusioned with life. Depressed. That brand of homelessness that only a person with means and friends with even more means can manage. Homeless but with $25 to spare to buy most of the Sims 2 franchise. I was hooked. I remember my first, crude little simmies. They were wonderful. Their names were Knutt and Shea Butter. They had a daughter, Coco. I loved them. I first played honestly. They were poor and in love. They worked hard. Had a baby. Their health and sanity began to suffer. I looked on line for cheat codes. I got them. My sim family moved the biggest house available. Their home was filled with the most expensive, comfortable furniture. I felt good. Like I could provide for someone. Even if not myself. I don't have photos of my first sims. Maybe I can recreate them from memory. I did try to create a 2.0 version  using all the custom content I've downloaded and with Shea played by by simself. Ah, my simself. I do love my simself. My sims 2 mini me requires mods and things to get my bodytype correct. My sims 3 version of myself can be as fat as I feel. It's amazing. I love to make her beautiful and give her amazing things and experiences. It gives me joy to see someone that represents me living the high life. It's like I can make my own propaganda. My own version of a life story. Looking at her rock out at life makes me believe that feeling good is possible for me, too.

And I need that reminder, too. I have been battling depression for the bulk of my life. For the past two years, i have struggled just to function consistently. I feel a tremendous amount of stress around and in me at all times. Some of it comes from the general environment. Some of it comes from my unhealthy habits. Of course I feel my life in peril. To keep remotely calm, I play this game. The Sims 3. I bought it on sale as a digital download. I was hooked. Immediately, hooked. I bought the base game, late night and world adventures all in one go. For like forty dollars for all three. It was glorious. The graphics just blew me away. I've been lving as an agorophobic and seeing such beautiful virtual scenery felt so good. I can't explain it. It's as if the real world filled me with such hopeless despair the sight of such a beautiful thing even if it was just code did feel almost as good as looking at the real thing. Even though it was obviously fake, and the real world literally just beyond my doorknob.